Every day has passed by so quickly since you drove away. The tears that rolled down your face ripped me at the seams. I miss you terribly and I can’t undo this. I can’t undo my hurt, my anger, my confusion. I want to go back to Saturday. I want to go back to when we laughed, when you wore the gift I bought you & we spent time with the people I care about most. I regret letting you leave my house as fast as you did. I regret not hugging you longer. I regret not saying more.
You are my best friend… We both agreed on that for sure. But I love you and you don’t feel the same. I still don’t understand your actions at all toward me. I don’t understand how you could be so naive about the circumstances, I can’t believe I did the same. When I told you I loved you, it wasn’t temporary. I gave my all to you & that’s where it stayed. You carry me with you wherever you are & when you are absent from my life I lose a part of myself.
I’m doing everything in my power not to be angry or spiteful. I’m not unfamiliar to you leaving me behind so you can figure things out for yourself. But I can’t help but become slightly bitter. No matter how long or for whatever reason, I’m always here with open arms waiting to hear from you. I use to worry if it was because I was a weak person, or because I was insecure… But I think iv’e finally figured out why. You have never had someone to fight for you. And deep in my heart, I find you more than deserving. Have you made mistakes? Yes. Plenty. But it would give me no satisfaction not to forgive. I don’t believe in forgive & forget, but I do believe that forgiving will help me to heal & for you to move forward as well…
I think you finally heard me the other day. I was harsh at times, but it had to be said. I don’t wish anything bad upon you and I would like you to one day be happy. But in a sadistic way, I want you to feel at least half of the hurt you’ve placed upon me over the years. I hope that my absence from your life will make you question things, make you want to treat others better. While I hope these negative situations can help to shape me into a stronger, more confident person… I’m currently back at square one. It hurts even more each time than the last.
I want you to know that I tried. I tried to put my feelings aside and be a friend to you that you deserved. But I couldn’t do it… as much as I wanted to. It hurt me to try and pretend that I was okay about you being in a relationship. It hurt me to spend time with you & always want more. It hurt me to have to be forced into ending a friendship that I never wanted to end, just because it was easier. I would give absolutely anything to go back and undo the mistake that I made just so I could have one more day hanging out with you. Just one more dinner or television show together… Hell! even one more text message. The tiniest things have happened this week & all iv’e wanted to do is talk to you about it. I know i’ve texted you & tried to reach out, and you won’t talk to me… But I try because it just doesn’t feel right. This time last week we were hanging out… and now I can’t even say a simple “hello”. It’s bizarre.
The only thing I hope is that you actually miss me too. I apologize for my actions to an extent… But I will never apologize for not giving up on you. I pray that one day you wake up and realize that you gave up on someone who was always in your corner. I wish nothing but happiness for you, despite everything. I would do anything for you… I guess I just need to do the hardest thing in the world now, and finally let you go. With hurt in my heart and a lump in my throat, I type out this ridiculous blog… To try and let go of some of my feelings. They’ve been trapped for days & I can’t keep holding all of this inside of me. I feel as though no one understands. Everyone has solutions that I feel are insultingly simple. I think so highly of you… That’s why this is so hard. You aren’t just anyone to me… letting go of you has been so difficult because the memories we hold together are some of the best of my 22 years.
I know that I love you more than I know the sun will rise.
And I look forward to remembering each and every memory we will have in the future.
Goodbye for now.
